What it was then, what it isn't now.

before you, there was sun, sky & rain.
before you and after you, there will be sun, sky & rain.

In junior high, i'd say, i hope you havent started to think differently about me. ive been really stupid lately. ive been crying a lot lately. ive been wasting my time lately, and worst of all, lately ive been letting go of you. the other day i crossed the street screaming because they're was a boy with a red jacket on, on the other side, it remindedme of you. im surprised i didnt die. flashing red wouldhave reminded me of you, and you would have been my last thought, instead of asking God to forgive me, and i would of ended up in hell. all because youhave screwed nails into my head, and youre all i see now. i would say youre all i know, but that would be a lie because im holding this pencil, and im staring at this paper, i know how to do that. or maybe the pencil knows how to hold me and the paper knows how to stare back? i dont know. all i know is that im freezing, and i wish you were here, you wouldnt have to kiss me, or hug me. we are too young to want that right now, we were too young to know exactly what we wanted.

then we morphed into teenagers, we'd joke around and imagine our lives when we'd grow into our hieght, when we'd be braver and less functional. we would lay down on your nieghbor's trampoline and say, all you need is a dozen notepads per year. we can live off of cheap wine and hotcakes. years from now, when you start lying down on that lazy boy couch, and you start seeing bright colours flashing down a spiral, you'll open your mouth, vommiting on my new zebra rug, and ill hate you for a second, then ill carry you into the bathroom, and youre so skinny & small, you fit in the sink like my aunts toy poodle. but youre less fancy than that poodle, and youre worth more. when you hold onto me to lean down towards the toilet, i feel you sqeeze my arm so hard that i feel my arteries going numb, but im glad you had your nails for breakfast or theyre might be a bloodflow, and we dont need vomit and blood all over the bathroom, it'll just be one more thing to be scared of, &we'd probally drown and when the cops break in, theyll think were just another pair of stupid teenagers trying to live like the rich&famous, when its really the rich&famous that wanna live&die like us. like this. this is how we imagined it, this was our dream, this was how we failed.
&with time, i became lonely. i became the one you decided to spend time with only when you had spent time with everything else. i became your left-over time. i pretended i didnt know, what was more dificult was pretending i didnt care. we could never agree or disagree. i'd sit in my living room, you sat in your living room, but we were not living.
When you said you would give up on me, i said i was happy. i lied. now that youve decided to leave, ive decided to give up on myself. when i go to a diner at 3am, i say table for two, by accident, and then i choke up and say, "no, its just me." and youre not here to say, "preferably, by the window." so i end up sitting in a corner.
there, i thought about evrything between me and you. and nothing came to mind, there was nothing between me and you, right now. only the tiny little atoms that make the space between us, we had nothing in common, we had nothing to say. and now i feel as if i am made up of those tiny little atoms, all falling apart, and rolling off the planet.

Let romance waste it`s time with someone else.

Today, i am truly happy; i haven't been this sad since last year. when what is happening now, was happening then. when things made no sense, and no one told you what did. i'm having one of those days again, & i'm happy i can finally be this sad. Its not very often this happens. two very thin lines, drawn under inside this arm, with a thin line underneath. This is my straight wrist, this is my straight face, i am good at this. i can do this, but i can't draw a heart.

Why are you stealing my headphones again? is it because you have a migraine again? she keeps talking about change, talking about making a difference, right here, between us, later on; everything else. but she keeps talking about the same things, the only thing changing is the size of the migraines, tomorrow, i know they will come back, only harder & stronger.

Someone died yesterday; the rumors say, it was me & you.
you say, i did not let you down, i just let you go.
i say, what are you explaining? what else are you looking for?
it was violent, it was beautiful. there should not be something more.

bubblegum ally; ours.

hey, turn the radio off and get closer, i have to tell you something, and it might take some time.

How have you been? How is she now?
she's the same girl. only bonier, with smaller wrists and ankles. she even has a tattoo now. She irons her own clothes, she sleeps downtown. she looks much more different. she is not mine anymore. i started to wonder what she had done this whole time. Mark off squares in calendars? sit in public bathroom stalls and cry? did she sleep alone? would she starve herself? i thought about these things a lot, and i thought maybe one day she will tell me they are true.
"yes, yes its true, i was thinking about you so much i forgot to eat, i havent eaten a solid meal in months. and i ran away from myself, trying to run away from you. and you see? you see this tattoo? its in code, its your name, right here. in my skin."
but you never said this, i only convinced myself you did.

"now, i am going to talk very fast and see if you can understand what i am saying."

whether or not he`d make it famous, or if he`d stay a normal human like me, i would love him. every now and then i might even hold his hand and say, you are better. i would say 'the best' in my head, but it wouldnt come out as sound. and we could take tiny steps down the stairs, we would hold our breath, and count to ten, and leave.
"maybe this would make us better." "this will make us the best," you say, you wear the crown, you have the guts, and now i know were not the best, you are. and maybe you know that too. but you dont have the guts to say it, and maybe now, maybe now, i can wear the crown, with a gigantic smile spilling all over my face, screaming, "i am the worst."
and i would finally love myself.

10 graceful steps to disgrace.

i see you smiling, and i know we can talk now.
its raining again, i forgot my everything again.
can we share yours? no? okay, sure.
am i talking to myself again? no?
i dont believe you. if you are not listening,
i am talking to myself.

"this is not good, this is not good."
"this is not good, this is not good."
she keeps saying, she keeps saying,
why does she keep saying this to herself?

this is why you look at me.
this is why i look at you.
this is my source of love,
this is something to look forward to.
this is where its okay to jump off.
this is when i get to say, stop.
this is how i say i love you.

people think i'm "weird."

I've noticed i should appreciate & love myself a little more. actually, alot more. due to my bipolar relationship with myself, i have decided on something. actually, it really wasnt decided. it just happened. i'm looking in the mirror saying "love me please!" and i have suddenly fallen inlove with my alter ego. she is my new girlfriend.

i don't give a shit if its halloween

fuck the candy. i'm just happy i hugged & made up with everyone i've argued with this whole week.
whats better? i ordered some chinese takeout.
whats better? my awesome badass fortune cookie flirted with me & asked me the stupidest most amazing question.

"Can I get some directions?" (To where?)
To your heart.

lemychix.

Right now, i wish i could sit & fit into a circle of different random people, who are as vulnerable and sensitive as me. Who before they sat down, were really strong, independent people, people who lie and say they don't need anyone. and we could all love eachother in a very big way and be happy, &full. but, i'm not, and i can't, and i don't think i ever will.
so i'm going to call some friends and write down random shit. right now, i have a gigantic headache, which is nothing new. i wonder if theres something wrong with me; whats more wrong is that i don't really care. i want to go take a shower. theres just certain things you do, and they make you feel simple. and human. the feeling i get in the shower is a feeling i can only have when i'm in the shower. the feeling i have when i'm sitting on my trampoline listening to the neighbor's radio playing is a feeling i can only have when im sitting on my trampoline listening to the nieghbor's radio playing. the feeling i have when i'm laying on someone else's couch is a feeling i can only have when i'm in someone else's couch. all these things are pretty simple. pretty & simple. you know where to put your hands, and you know how to look pretty. and simple. i have 3 confessions right now. one, i am still learning to like myself. this is why i'm single, this is why i only crush on guys who are dicks, and why only guys who are dicks crush on me. i need to go on a date with myself, i need some self-love, in the shower, in bed, while i'm walking between classes. i wish i could fall inlove with myself, i'm sure it would then be much easier to fall inlove with any random dickhead. then again, i should fall inlove with a girl. us, girls, we are so beautiful. most of us are sensitive, and understanding, straight guys should be happy they are "morally" allowed to love and take care of us. but then again, fuck morals. i would love to take care of a girl, and love her. but she would have to be sensitive. then again, i'm only a magnet for dicks. some of my friends think i'm "bi-curious". i think thats stupid. you love who you love, whether it be a girl or a boy or a hermaphrodite. Two, i have figured out why i'm occasionally attacked by lonely-spasms. i expect too much love from people. i don't need attention because i have a low self-esteem, even though thats partly true, i need attention & affection because i'm a fucking loser. & three, i wish i could try something new. anything. i need a whole new fucking life. i am not depressed, i am not happy, i don't know how the fuck i feel. i need to detoxify myself from me.

its so dark with all these lights.

i tried to donate blood today, turns out i had a mild fever. i still got free food though, so it wasn't too bad, i just really wanted to feel like an actual donor, and for some unknown reason, i also like the feeling of needles. i don't know why people think its "weird" or "emo?". i mean some people like the feeling of other things going inside of them, like food or drugs or dicks or whatever. well, i like the feeling of needles. anyway, I got in a big fight with my sister last night, and we slept in separate rooms, which is my biggest fear. i'm not scared of the dark, i'm just scared of sleeping alone. so i called lemus and he told me this amazing story. When things like this happen, it makes me so happy to know i'm sad, to know that i can be sad, that i can feel, and feel better. i hope i have a good hair day tomorrow.



"The end is not near, its here."

Lately;

i don't know if i've been acting really strange lately, or if everyone around me has been acting really strange lately. i don't know why i'm never hungry anymore. i could go 3 days without eating, i actually have to remind myself to eat or i wont. i guess i'm having an off week this week. hopefully it'll turn on for the weekend. i really want to see emily, so we can sit in her bed and do our eyebrows, ill bring my r&b CD, she always brings out the black in me, and i miss her. if we hang out, i promised i'd make her mashed potatoes, since i've been told thats the only thing i'm good at cooking. i even mess up on that sometimes though. i have been talking to lemus, my best friend, a lot lately, and were going through the same thing, even though hes a boy, and i'm girl, we still relate when it comes to relationships, i don't know why people would think otherwise. we are all humans, we all love in the same way. anyway, i'm done with trying to figure guys out. its stupid. and annoying, and even if i'm in high-school, i don't want to feel like i'm part of all that loveydovey bullshit. i have never crushed on a guy unless i knew for sure he liked me too. so it was kinda a bigdeal, but its okay. ill deal with it later, im just going to be nice to everyone, i'm going to drink some soda, make myself a sandwich and i'm going to try to be happy.

kneecaps, parking lots, opium, fake id's &etc.

I am going to cut out my knee caps and give them to you.I am going to cut out my adams apple and cover it in chocolate for you.I am going to cut off my nose and eat it for you.A selfless love.And It will hurt,But I love you.
(all in one)You are everything all in one.I really want to make you mine.all in one.You are the stars, the planets and the black holes, all in one. You are a buy-one-get-one-free cosmic brownie,all in one.You are life, death and afterlife,all in one.
(sandbag memories) braking all the timelines,Flu shot remedies. Is this utopia?I’m seen seeing code red.
(sunshine)Sunshine in parking lots, And my sand paper fingertips, Our love. Open your bag of quarantined dreams,And at least answer my questions. Lost love is a waste of time.True love is a waste of life.
(happy birthday perky)You are probably the most beautiful person I know.Your beauty surpasses every 20 dollar hoe.And your skin is white as snow.What do you feel when I touch you there?I want to kiss you again,and I know that you want it too,but I will only do it if you do me first.Fist me.Twist me.Your perky cheeks are a deeper red, than is the blood that I bleed for you.
(Valentines day wish)I hope that your valentines day was better than mine because I love you.I love you so much.I am not angry any more.I did not mean those things that I said.I'm lonely, Bring those thunder thighs back to NY, cause I cant live with out them.
Anyways, Love you again.I am one sad lonely cellar door.
Love,Smothered heart.
P.S. Make sure you get a fake I.D. before you come back, so at least our loving will seem legal if we're caught.

(peaches)Going to Kinko's,To make some copies.Gonna eat some pie."gonna kill my face,and watch it die,"
(knives)Sometimes love is like a fucking knife. Do Not think I don't know. I've been in lovetwice, and I died fourtimes over.
(artificial insemination)"I am so depressed,I want to kill myself,I hate everybody."-Black cartons of 6's, Open them not, Don’t smile mother fucker. Don't you know Love is the belief in God? &God is the end of intelligence? I am so happy.
(what it should have been)Tylenol...Asprain...more pills, more hot showers-Do you remember the dayswhen we could laugh?Do you remember the timeswhen we could hold hands &feel normal?
(opium highways)Opium highlights my mind, I think in white. Are you listening? Were floating on a layer of helium;lighter than air.Run for the stairwayhalf time...double time half time...We think in white. "New things will arise when we realize that we think in white,but our thoughts are black." : http://www.lovelandia.com/authors/smothered%20heart.htm






here he sleeps, it is nowhere near you now, here we are, the space between us is so pretty, here we stay, and there it goes, here it freezes and locks the bound, &here it is, A black sea where good girls drown. more balloons popping over your head. theres chalk on your face, theres smashing glass, theres chocolate wrappers. here they are, here it is, everything you loved when you were younger. smilingkissingtouchingsqueezing pain. blackclouds white rain.crystal skies, and trainstation goodbyes. this is now, you are forever. cigarettes, photographs, & parking lots. doubt & faith. eyes, dull colors, lies. hate, beauty, kissmyanklesagain.
a kiss for every ugly middle finger ive shoved in your face. dark, secrets, alone in a bed twisting, God, I hope it’s dead . sunshine, books, torn pages, and library looks. treeswindrain&snow. angels sing, you laugh with me. hallway hugs & hands under desks, morbid times. perfect lips, every afternoon at 3, Move your hips sex cant be for you and me; punch, scratch, kick, I really like you, and why i need you now, i dont know. kissesBlurrydrunk, and in love,Kiss me againkiss me again, smiles, you touch me there. teach me how to do it and I laugh when I learn. anticlimatik streets, blood on your shirt, selling dope along with all the hurt, its washing away, its making me stay, here, there and here again. my lips are cold, my hands are hot, were bridges, im crying & youre not. Your piercings are real kisskissbangbang, Laughter in the hallways, echoes like a sad song; a radio keeps playing in the distance forever , your skin smells like rain with a hint of those drugs You need as much as me. fuck, I hate you, fuck it, I love you ,this part is closed I need you, I want you That’s the way we all go . somewhere closeorfarway, you are sitting alone under the bleachers, you write down the adress, youre comming closer, the cieling is your face.

things like this don't just happen, you don't just wake up & feel this way. then, why is this happening, and why am i waking up feeling this way?

"what are you doing right now?"

"nothing."

"you're probably going to go to hell for that."

"thats fine."

you are geting older, and i am getting dumber.

if i lose my train of thought,

i ask myself,

"if i was a train of thought, where would i go?"

i'd creep into microphones. & rotate inside cartwheels.

i take this into mind,

and after a few seconds,

i lose it.

London Daydream.

"It's another rainy day in london."




i'll be ready for him. when he comes along. i'll have a breather in my pocket, so i can be ready when he smells like warehouse sweat. i'll wear loose shoes so my feet wont hurt when we cross all the intersections to get some sodas. i'll have a pin in my hair, so when i realize, its really happening, my hair wont fall out in pieces. i'll forget my sleeping pills, and your shoulder will get lonely. but it doesnt matter because were heading out anyway. i dont want to kiss you tonight. i want to wait until winter. when its cold, it will feel different then.
"how was your day today without me, and within me?"
"it snowed."
"come closer so i can hug you."
"you smell like nicotine & soap."
"thats okay. its cold today."
"i know."

days always even out.

today i went to school, & i dont know why. Everyone from building 4 got to hang out in the gym for four hours. last time this happened, i was sitting with him on the bleachers at the very top. and we listened to coldplay & fell asleep. that was our day, our first day, different, from what we always knew of eachother. there was more to him, and i was figuring it out. it was magical. i hadn't felt like that in a while. i was really happy that day, but now im not so sure. i can never distinguish anything i feel when it comes to boys. they can call everyday, but whether his sweet talk is honest or not, the second we hang up, i'll go to bed and think, this is not enough. I really don't know why this happens, but it must mean i'm not ready for a boyfriend. "I can't take care of you until i've figured out how to take care of myself."
Even though i spent those 4 hours in the gym today with some of the most important people in my life, i still missed him.
i know i'm not letting him in, and i know there is nothing else left to do.

redescended & disconnected.

"I've seen this before. i just cant remember what colour it was, or what it was saying to me."
"i remember hearing the phone ring last night, was it you?" "yeah." "what were you going to tell me?" "Do you really want to know?" "yeah."

"Did you know that the day, October 5th 1582 never existed?"
"Did you know that out of millions, maybe trillions, of zebras; alive or dead, none have had the same exact stripes?"
"Did you know its scientifically proven that its easier to sleep if you've been laughing all day?"
"Did you know my nieghbor can speak 7 different languages?"
-no, but thats nice.




"can i hold your hand?"
"can i take you under this bridge?"
"can i sit down next to you, and roll this up for you?"
"or would you rather let me stick this needle up your arm?"
- i really dont know.
"say yes."
-yes.
"do you mean it?"
-not at all.

"what are you today?"
"i am the pothead without the pot."
-and theres a revolution going on inside my pants.

I have this idea, moving and breathing, in my head.
"instead of typing 'get happy' on the google toolbar, do this:
-if you are sad, take a cold shower,
put the AC has low as it can go,
stand for 5 minutes without a towel,
and right when you feel you are going
to get frostbite, run to your
bed and get under the blanket,
and know that you are all alone,
and that you can be happy all alone."

i'm going to tell you what i want. right now.
i want someone to be able to tell me,
"its okay. ill be ready when youre ready." "i'll wait at the door."
"i'll write your name on a cigarette and smoke it on the train out of the city. and at 2am i'll realize i dont have enough money to take the train back. so i figure i'll have to rob a gas station. yes you ungrateful idiot, i did this for you."
"i'll sleep on the couch, but im taking the sheets." "just shutup and eat."
"you know what, youre a lazy fuck but i love you."
"i want to have the guts to tell you i dont have the guts."
"its true. youre as dumb as me, and we are not strong."
"its fine, forget it... nevermind. get your ass over here."
"im an idiot and youre a penis."
"you know what?
i'll turn it off for you.
i'll forget. i'll play dead.
i'm here, and you stand out."