What it was then, what it isn't now.

before you, there was sun, sky & rain.
before you and after you, there will be sun, sky & rain.

In junior high, i'd say, i hope you havent started to think differently about me. ive been really stupid lately. ive been crying a lot lately. ive been wasting my time lately, and worst of all, lately ive been letting go of you. the other day i crossed the street screaming because they're was a boy with a red jacket on, on the other side, it remindedme of you. im surprised i didnt die. flashing red wouldhave reminded me of you, and you would have been my last thought, instead of asking God to forgive me, and i would of ended up in hell. all because youhave screwed nails into my head, and youre all i see now. i would say youre all i know, but that would be a lie because im holding this pencil, and im staring at this paper, i know how to do that. or maybe the pencil knows how to hold me and the paper knows how to stare back? i dont know. all i know is that im freezing, and i wish you were here, you wouldnt have to kiss me, or hug me. we are too young to want that right now, we were too young to know exactly what we wanted.

then we morphed into teenagers, we'd joke around and imagine our lives when we'd grow into our hieght, when we'd be braver and less functional. we would lay down on your nieghbor's trampoline and say, all you need is a dozen notepads per year. we can live off of cheap wine and hotcakes. years from now, when you start lying down on that lazy boy couch, and you start seeing bright colours flashing down a spiral, you'll open your mouth, vommiting on my new zebra rug, and ill hate you for a second, then ill carry you into the bathroom, and youre so skinny & small, you fit in the sink like my aunts toy poodle. but youre less fancy than that poodle, and youre worth more. when you hold onto me to lean down towards the toilet, i feel you sqeeze my arm so hard that i feel my arteries going numb, but im glad you had your nails for breakfast or theyre might be a bloodflow, and we dont need vomit and blood all over the bathroom, it'll just be one more thing to be scared of, &we'd probally drown and when the cops break in, theyll think were just another pair of stupid teenagers trying to live like the rich&famous, when its really the rich&famous that wanna live&die like us. like this. this is how we imagined it, this was our dream, this was how we failed.
&with time, i became lonely. i became the one you decided to spend time with only when you had spent time with everything else. i became your left-over time. i pretended i didnt know, what was more dificult was pretending i didnt care. we could never agree or disagree. i'd sit in my living room, you sat in your living room, but we were not living.
When you said you would give up on me, i said i was happy. i lied. now that youve decided to leave, ive decided to give up on myself. when i go to a diner at 3am, i say table for two, by accident, and then i choke up and say, "no, its just me." and youre not here to say, "preferably, by the window." so i end up sitting in a corner.
there, i thought about evrything between me and you. and nothing came to mind, there was nothing between me and you, right now. only the tiny little atoms that make the space between us, we had nothing in common, we had nothing to say. and now i feel as if i am made up of those tiny little atoms, all falling apart, and rolling off the planet.

Let romance waste it`s time with someone else.

Today, i am truly happy; i haven't been this sad since last year. when what is happening now, was happening then. when things made no sense, and no one told you what did. i'm having one of those days again, & i'm happy i can finally be this sad. Its not very often this happens. two very thin lines, drawn under inside this arm, with a thin line underneath. This is my straight wrist, this is my straight face, i am good at this. i can do this, but i can't draw a heart.

Why are you stealing my headphones again? is it because you have a migraine again? she keeps talking about change, talking about making a difference, right here, between us, later on; everything else. but she keeps talking about the same things, the only thing changing is the size of the migraines, tomorrow, i know they will come back, only harder & stronger.

Someone died yesterday; the rumors say, it was me & you.
you say, i did not let you down, i just let you go.
i say, what are you explaining? what else are you looking for?
it was violent, it was beautiful. there should not be something more.

bubblegum ally; ours.

hey, turn the radio off and get closer, i have to tell you something, and it might take some time.

How have you been? How is she now?
she's the same girl. only bonier, with smaller wrists and ankles. she even has a tattoo now. She irons her own clothes, she sleeps downtown. she looks much more different. she is not mine anymore. i started to wonder what she had done this whole time. Mark off squares in calendars? sit in public bathroom stalls and cry? did she sleep alone? would she starve herself? i thought about these things a lot, and i thought maybe one day she will tell me they are true.
"yes, yes its true, i was thinking about you so much i forgot to eat, i havent eaten a solid meal in months. and i ran away from myself, trying to run away from you. and you see? you see this tattoo? its in code, its your name, right here. in my skin."
but you never said this, i only convinced myself you did.

"now, i am going to talk very fast and see if you can understand what i am saying."

whether or not he`d make it famous, or if he`d stay a normal human like me, i would love him. every now and then i might even hold his hand and say, you are better. i would say 'the best' in my head, but it wouldnt come out as sound. and we could take tiny steps down the stairs, we would hold our breath, and count to ten, and leave.
"maybe this would make us better." "this will make us the best," you say, you wear the crown, you have the guts, and now i know were not the best, you are. and maybe you know that too. but you dont have the guts to say it, and maybe now, maybe now, i can wear the crown, with a gigantic smile spilling all over my face, screaming, "i am the worst."
and i would finally love myself.

10 graceful steps to disgrace.

i see you smiling, and i know we can talk now.
its raining again, i forgot my everything again.
can we share yours? no? okay, sure.
am i talking to myself again? no?
i dont believe you. if you are not listening,
i am talking to myself.

"this is not good, this is not good."
"this is not good, this is not good."
she keeps saying, she keeps saying,
why does she keep saying this to herself?

this is why you look at me.
this is why i look at you.
this is my source of love,
this is something to look forward to.
this is where its okay to jump off.
this is when i get to say, stop.
this is how i say i love you.

people think i'm "weird."

I've noticed i should appreciate & love myself a little more. actually, alot more. due to my bipolar relationship with myself, i have decided on something. actually, it really wasnt decided. it just happened. i'm looking in the mirror saying "love me please!" and i have suddenly fallen inlove with my alter ego. she is my new girlfriend.