volver a ser dos

i really do want to be with you.

you? i dont know if i want to be with you.
sometimes its hard to figure us out,
because its up and down with us.
i dont know if i know you.

Now, you. i know you. maybe better than i'd like to.
you're the only one for me. right?
there are things i have to live with... and carry.

but, you... you make all that better.
you're the rock, and the escape.
my instant thought to happiness.
but you make me so mad sometimes.
even though, i really have no reason to be.
i love you.

i love you.

---itdidntmeanathing.

when we swim, we don't swim together,
we swim like snakes, floating away from eachother.
remember when we were two fish?
do you remember how our little pond looked like?
do you remember? at the time we did not realize it was an open sea.
not until now, not until we swim away from eachother.

the:flutter.

"we're alive, and we love each other."
the television is off, the lights are off.
i'm chewing gum & doing stupid things.
this is really, really bad. bad things.
let me repeat it to myself.
"i love you like a woman."
don't beg, don't talk, calm down.
"i can't understand how to live now."


'97

Pablo Neruda Collection

Todos se iran, tu quedaras viviente.
Tu encendiste la vida.
Tu hiciste lo que es tuyo.

Por eso nadie se moleste cuando
parece que estoy solo y no estoy solo,
no estoy con nadie yhablo para todos.

Alguien me esta escuchando y no lo saben,
pero aquellos que canto y que lo saben,
siguen naciendo.
& llenaran el mundo.

-----------------------------

They will all go, but you will stay alive.
You ignited life, you have created what is yours.

Thats why no one is bothered when i am alone,
& not alone. When i'm with someone, & when i speak for all.

Someone is listening to me & they don't know.
But for those who hear me sing, they know.
They continue to be born.
& they will fill the world.


"El Pueblo" Pablo Neruda

*****************

Juegas todos los dias con la luz del universo.
A nadie te pareces desde que yo te amo.
dejame recordarte como eras entonces,
caundo aun no existias.

quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos.

----------------------------

You play everyday with the light of the universe,
you don't remind me of anyone since i've loved you.
let me remember you, how you were then.
back when you didn't exist yet.

I want to do with you what spring does to fruit.

"Juegas todos los dias" Pablo Neruda

******************

Todo se va en la vida, amigos.
se va o perece.
Se va la rosa que desates,
tambien la boca que te bese.
la agua, la sombra, el viento.
se va o perece.

La mariposa volotea,
revoltea,
y desaparece.

--------------------------

Everything goes in life, my friends.
It goes or it dies.
The rose you let go dies,
so do the lips that kiss you.
The water, The shadows, The wind,
It goes or it dies.
The butterfly spins & re-spins,
& disappears.

"Mariposa" Pablo Neruda

***************************

He aqui violetas, golondrinas,
por donde se pasean el tiempo y la dulzura.
Pero no pensemos en el mas alla.
Porque no quiero contestar.
Hay tantos muertos.
Tantas manos que han encerrado besos,
y tantas cosas que quiero olvidar.

------------------------------

Here are violets, sunflowers,
where time and sweetness travel.
But lets not think in the infinity & beyond.
Because i don't want to answer.
There are so many dead.
So many hands that have caged in kisses,
so many things i want to forget.

"No hay olvido (sonata)" Pablo Neruda

************************

Desde entonces, fuego.
Desde entonces, sangre.
Ladrones con aviones, con moros.
Ladrones con sortijas, con duquesas.
Ladrones con frailes negros bendiciendo.
Venian desde el cielo a matar niños,
y por las calles la sangre de los niños,
corria simplemente, como sangre de niños.

--------------------------

Since then, fire.
Since then, blood.
Thieves with airplanes, with doors.
Thieves with rings, Thieves with duchesses.
Thieves with black friars blessing them.
They came from the sky to kill children.
& through streets the blood of the children,
ran simply, like the blood of children.

"Explico algunas cosas" Pablo Neruda

*************************

Sabras que no te amo, y que te amo.
Puesto que de dos modos es la vida.
yo te amo para comenzar amarte,
para recomenzar el infinito y para
no dejar de amarte nunca.
Por eso, no te amo todavia.

Te amo y no te amo como si tuviera
en mis manos las llaves de la dicha
y un incierto destino desdichado.

Mi amor tiene dos vidas para amarte,
por eso te amo caundo no te amo,
y por eso te amo caundo te amo.

No te quiero sino porque te quiero,
y de quererte a no quererte llego,
y de esperarte cuando no te espero,
pasa mi corazon del frio al fuego.

Te quiero solo porque te quiero,
te odio sin fin, y odiantote de ruego.
En esta historia solo yo me muero,
y morire de amor porque te quiero,
porque te quiero, amor,
a sangre & fuego.

---------------------------------

You'll know that i don't love you,
& that i love you.
Since in two ways there is life.
I love you to begin loving you,
to restart the infinite, & to never stop loving you.
This is why, i do not love you, yet.

I love you and I don't love you,
as if i had in my hands the keys of happiness,
& an uncertain, unfortunate destiny.

My love has two lives to love you,
thats why i love you when i don't love you.
This is why i love you when i love you.

i don't want you, not because i want you,
but from not loving to loving you, i go.
& from waiting for you when i don't wait for you,
my heart turns hot from cold.

I love you, just because i love you.
I hate you endlessly, and hating you, i beg.
In this story, only i die.
& i'll die from love, because i love you.
Because i love you, love,
with blood & fire.

"LXVI" Pablo Neruda


- (translations by me)

the/saddest/lines

[And the LORD said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground.] Genesis 4:10

-------------

when i am leaving, i am flying past all the little things i loved, i can see crop circles from my window seat. i am really sad, i think thats why i want to cry. maybe i dont know what to do, but i do know what i want.

im not going to say anything, i'll stay quiet.
i'll dream about stupid things, like the world & everything in it.

i dont blame you for leaving, i dont blame you for blaming me. i do blame you for being stupid, even though i know its not really your fault. i remember thinking i must have been really weak & depressed to keep you around for such a fucking long time.

was it years? i spent two Christmases with you, i threw up food and stared at it & screamed at it for you. i know i was stupid, but you were stupider for giving me reasons to leave you.

this whole time you have thought all this has been for you. this whole time you thought i was here for you. this whole time you actually thought i wrote this for you.
i have written ONLY THIS & nothing else.

cállate ya, me tienes nerviosa.

Hola professor, estoy perdiendo tiempo y luz,
en este cuento, tu eres el autor.
estoy amando las olas mientras se cae el altramuz.
en esta vida, seré el volador.

cuando lleguemos a paris,
tu venderás drogas,
mientras yo seré actriz.

estaría bien, seria facil.
estaría mal, seremos feliz?
te prometo, me ganare un mil;
sin tener que vender mi nariz.

te recuerdas en el parque cuando vimos los gitanos?
sabes cuando dijeron que este mundo es bello y cruel?
las luces bajan y suben como tus manos.
cuando llega la noche me quito la piel.

llega el tren, llega la nieve.
y cuando desplumo, estas aqui.
esta vida es bella & breve,
por eso cuando mueras,
quiero estar allí.

ocram!

you know i would have wanted you to come. we could have gone for a walk, i could have cooked you something, we could have a smoke & a coffee & a real conversation.
we could have talked about big large things, like life & love & your dick.
we could talk about traveling, because you know there is so much to see, so many places that want to see us. so many places we could go & spend time in, & it would be great.
we could stay in nice hotels, one room with one bed. we could order room service. theres something so fascinating about hotels. no matter how many times you wash the sheets, everyone's prints & pieces, memories & feelings, will still be there.
here, come & i'll show you. dig your face in, smell. you can feel it because you know its there.
i like talking to you, i like feeling you close & i like touching you while every one is watching.
i never told you this, but i knew you were what i could have wanted as soon as i met you.
because you wore the illest clothes & you wore a cross & the number 7 around your neck. both of these things could one day remind you of me.
you were with it, wised up & sharp. when we would talk on the phone, back when i was still a freshman i knew i could count on you & i knew you couldn't count on me, you knew it too. but you never stopped calling & this is why i am talking to you now. this is why you're the only boy i have ever sang to over the phone, when i was dumb little girl, bent down in my closet, hoping my best friend in bed wouldn't hear me.
its difficult to say i'm sorry, you know i wanted to be there for you. but maybe you are not the same boy, maybe you don't believe in me anymore. maybe now you are me & i am you & we'll never fall inlove & marry & have sex or babies.
its been years now, but when we talk, i know those times are still there. & i know i'll be seeing you soon.

sleepless

i leave my computer on all night so my room is warm the next morning.
i never let my feet stick out of the blanket because i'm afraid something is going to pull me.
i like to float underwater & swim all the way down & sit crisscross at the bottom of the pool.
i sometimes have unbearable urges to want to hug my mother.
i wish i could see the world, i wish it rained more often.
i don't know what any of this has to do with us.
i don't know why i think these things.
i don't know why they mean so much to me.


remember when we saw them? you said that would never be us.
theres places where we could sit & eat. theres people we could humilate & dismember.
people feel & do such weird things. i think its wonderful.
i wish i was that exciting,
but laughing is getting more difficult everyday.
i want to be there for you,
but waking up in the morning is getting more difficult everyday.


have you ever imagined this? do you ever wonder? i know you don't think about me when i think about you. most people don't know these things. they like to sit because thats all they can do. when i play this song, i want to wake up in the morning. it makes me want to see your face. but people walk away. i like to filll up my lungs with cancer. that makes people think i am stupid, maybe vulnerable. they think i have never seen anybody die of cancer. but i have. & it does not change how i might want to die.

lets take it back to 2005

*Keep Calm* And Have Faith in Me.


i want to know how this really happened, how i let you in & let you out, but things will never be like before, after today.
did you know that things change & form shapes? have you seen things like this happen? i have.
remember how it felt to be young & not worry & not ask? i remember how my first kiss felt. are these feelings bad? i don't miss him, i miss the way he made me feel, two years is a long time to remember but a difficult space to forget.
i will always care about you, but running back to you is taking steps backward. life is about moving forward.
There are some things we'll never forget, there are some things we wish we could forget. you fell , but i was there, i never gave up.
i am so happy that life let me make wrong decisions to bring me to you today. i am so happy remembering how stupid i was.
i'm remembering how i used to sneak out & see you almost every weekday, do you think i will forget all those nights you hid under my bed? do you know how many stories i have to tell because of you? they said we'd never make it & you proved them right.
-do you know how they say you'll be happy one day, you remember how they always use to tell us that? i'm so tired now. do you remember that story? of that girl who waited everyday? he said she grew old & stayed until the end? i wanted to be this girl, i wanted to be her, for you.

dreams.

i want to ride a fat elephant down a river through the indian jungles, wrestle a polar bear somewhere in Antarctica, Swim with penguins & manatees though water & sunlight, Eat pounds of rice in China, Then die in Russia, buried in the snow.

I am glad we are talking again.

if i was insane. i wonder how i would act. i wonder what would i do. i wonder what i would feel.

i would be a genius. i would spend days in a dry bathtub, writing words that wont mean anything to anyone. not now, or later. i would be a messy paranoid wreck. i would carry a mirror infront of me just to see if anyone was following me. and i would just see myself. i am insane, i would say for a second, then i`d sit on my couch, sink in, and suck the tiny particles of dead things into my nose, and i'd say, no. no, i am not insane. i am just lonely. 

like i said before, this is for us,

this is what is supposed to happen.

idiotic tiger.

i am not going to lie. i really did believe you were different &shit. i really did think you were "into me" like you said you were. i thought you were brave & beautiful. you were sweet, you were naive in a way that made me laugh, you fooled me into thinking you really were different. i told you i was for real, you said you were for real, and those two stupid weeks really did feel real. i would ask you what went wrong, but i don't want to know and now, i don't give a fuck. 

i would love to tell you how it could have been. i would have been there for you, i probably would have cried over you. i used to be so nervous before i would see you, today i walked right past you and felt nothing. i'm going to be honest and say i do miss you, i'll be more honest and say i don't miss you that much. i think what i will miss the most are those hugs. they were pretty amazing. hopefully i will feel that way again. all i know is that it won't be with you.

want to know how i feel? fuck it, I'm telling you anyway.

you know what would be beautiful & unforgettable? if me and you could talk without thinking about what were thinking. if our thoughts just automatically turned into sound. and if there was a song stuck in my head, i would open my mouth and serve as a radio. we could sit and lay down and talk about life. in a senselessly & stupidly insightful way. what if we didn't need a hit to get high? would if we just closed our eyes and imagined it? what would happen if we forced our brains to combine reality with imagination, and then all our dreams came true? what if everything we see, hear, touch, smell or feel is an illusion? Do you think we could have everything we ever wanted just by sitting here? What if thinking it is no different from having it? what if it felt just as good? who ever said imagination was not enough? who ever said reality was real? i'll tell you now, who ever said that did not believe. 

stop saying whatever i say matters, because i'm not saying shit and it doesn't matter.

when i think about us too much, i wish i could have died a long time ago. before cars existed so my first kiss could have been on the sidewalk, near the road, so a wagon could run me over before my lips ever said hello to yours.

we listen to the radio, rest on club couches and dance and smoke and eat until were waking up to the tiolets grimy mouth, that dark hole, that beautifully curved cave, it reminds me of late nights and first kisses.
oh, what am i talking about this time? i miss looking for you, hiding in the closet, under a pile of dirty clothes, you are so funny, you are all mine. i like to feel your hair kissing my hair, right in the wind, behind the trees, sitting on clouds, sitting on bridges made of dust, castles made of sand.

this is a long story, it bends and folds and recounts our love, all our lucky moments. we are still young, we are so old, we are old enough to take our clothes off infront of eachother and not laugh. old enough to kiss with our eyes half-open, old enough not to trust. we are too old.
the windows stay open, the curtains stay closed. it falls up and down like the rhythm of your breath in the fog, past all the songs, hitting the edge like a blade. this is my blade, down your cheeks, kissing your neck,. it loves you. but so do i, so i put it down and make you mine one more time.
its been a long time now, and shit has changed between us.

i'm convinced love comes in the morning,
i like it when you yell at me and pull my hair, and shove me around. this makes me love you, this makes me insane. insanely stupid, insanely yours. i am going to stop now & see how you like that.

R E S T L E S S - R E V O L U T I O N

I'm in new york city again, breathing in ice, coughing out snow. theres train station clouds out my window again. theres a vintage polaroid under the sheets, sleeping with me. theres no morning sex, it's just your bubblegum smile in ink.you look like a school girl, rushing past the crowd, rushing past the cigarette smoke. another subway daydream, you're sitting as if you were posing for a naked art museum. what were you thinking about? were you remembering paperbags & apple pies? boarding school was too strict for you. So you left stockholm behind and gathered enough hope to come here, and now you're laughing and spining in circles, with the snow in central park & my body beneath you. if you sit here, you can take a picture of the skyline, look how it shines & winks for you. i close my eyes, and let the chemicals fill my head, i am yours.
When i open them again, i am in rhode island, my feet against the shore, my toes crushing the sand. i'm swimming, in this restless revolution, i'm alone again. i can hear the whistle and the vow, and my heart feels soft. it feels lonely, and it wants to cry. it wants to, but it cant because it doesnt know how. i want to see you again, i want to throw shoes at your window and have you crawling down inside of me, do you remember how that used to feel? you're nowhere near me now.

"if i can't tell you the truth, then what can i tell you?"

What a creamy dreamy steamy boy

When i was little, i wanted grace. When i grew older, i wanted you. So how close was i? how close am i? am i still alive? Is it okay if i tell you that when i see you, i want to assimilate you? Why don't you ask me something this time. Ask me if i always wear my hair this pretty, or if i like cheesecake, or where do butterflies go when it rains? This could be such a heart-licking love. It could grow and hit the ozone layer. but you are too busy and i don't stand out. when someone asks me why i want you, i tell them i want you because you are like peter pan. you don't want to grow up, you think you're tough and you have an amazing sense of style. You are not my type. When i see you i don't get butterflies, this Lepidoptera is unimaginable.
Last week someone asked me where i go when i masturbate. I go somewhere where i can wish for the happy times to come again.








junior high is underrated. this is where the pain & love really starts.

;immune to emotion.

once its over, i am back on the floor. back on the sidewalk, counting each line i cross.
dividing me from you more, and more each time. when you change the station, kiss the dial and a sweet beat sounds, i cannot stop my hands. they love you too much, as do i. its true, i lost. you lose. we are going to hell for wanting heavan.

all the dust is waking up, all my closets are being pulled open and revealing you. i am happy. because now you know how much i love you, and you are learning to love me more. slowly, softly, like learning to walk again. walk and stomp all over stupid little hearts. my stupid little heart should have never loved you.

but this is love, this is how i pictured it, and its finally not pixelized or memorized in my brain, its here, and its mine, and i'm yours, while youre mine, and everything is fucking beautiful,

When all is lost, all is left to gain.

a long time ago, i remember thinking i was ready. i remember feeling like water on glass. hearing airplanes, right here past my window. it was never like this. when you used to tell me you cared, we'd sit in the field while it was 40 degrees outside. i would say help me, and you would carry me into the net, and hug me under fiber. this meant so much to me. this showed me you cared. now, you sit in the driveway, and i know you're not waiting for me.
and so when he stepped off and declared it, she said yes. this always happens. i miss seeing the orgami hanging down your cieling, he would say. and she'd throw the book aside and say, no you just miss sleeping over. this is what happens when you sit crisscross behind the church bench, and kiss little boys, while choir notes pass over thier tiny feet. you were a bad little girl, but you held breath, and hope, much longer than you do now. everytime i would see you tug space between your clothes, you would look at me and smile, and it would be so easy. but now, your hands are stuck between sheets and window stills. lets go hide behind here, but i would never. theres no snow today, and there are no stands outside. and now, you take slower steps to your choices. one thing is being impulsive to sin. another is walking slowly to it.
this is you, the flame,
this is me, the moth,

fingerlocked.

well, i am pretty sure everything is going to turn out fine from here. when she gets back from that 5hr drive, it will have changed her, she will be better. she will have a softer voice. i miss talking to her on the weekends, hiding under hotel sheets, as if i was still 15, still in my bedroom with the purple zebra curtains. it makes me happy. we are still young, we are just getting older, and by older, i mean , weaker.
when we learn to forget, we learn how to stop learning. and i know that doesnt make sense, but once youre here, you'll hear that lesson in my voice, the lesson that quivers, shakes and holds, right in the air, sticking out like an adams apple.
and when you reach the back alley, hopping over ripped tires and old bins, you tell me you have not lost hope. but you smell like art and blood again, where have your hands been? you say its all blurry right now, that things will be clearer in the morning. but the things that happen in the forest don't appear. they stay beneath the blur, in dreamy colourations, making wierd shaped memories real again when you come to sit&visit, and talk with them. the little things in the forest.
so stop listening to me, i have nothing interesting to say.
this and that, nothing is ever going to change.
i have met the line, beat the time,
i have been born and right now i have died.

What it was then, what it isn't now.

before you, there was sun, sky & rain.
before you and after you, there will be sun, sky & rain.

In junior high, i'd say, i hope you havent started to think differently about me. ive been really stupid lately. ive been crying a lot lately. ive been wasting my time lately, and worst of all, lately ive been letting go of you. the other day i crossed the street screaming because they're was a boy with a red jacket on, on the other side, it remindedme of you. im surprised i didnt die. flashing red wouldhave reminded me of you, and you would have been my last thought, instead of asking God to forgive me, and i would of ended up in hell. all because youhave screwed nails into my head, and youre all i see now. i would say youre all i know, but that would be a lie because im holding this pencil, and im staring at this paper, i know how to do that. or maybe the pencil knows how to hold me and the paper knows how to stare back? i dont know. all i know is that im freezing, and i wish you were here, you wouldnt have to kiss me, or hug me. we are too young to want that right now, we were too young to know exactly what we wanted.

then we morphed into teenagers, we'd joke around and imagine our lives when we'd grow into our hieght, when we'd be braver and less functional. we would lay down on your nieghbor's trampoline and say, all you need is a dozen notepads per year. we can live off of cheap wine and hotcakes. years from now, when you start lying down on that lazy boy couch, and you start seeing bright colours flashing down a spiral, you'll open your mouth, vommiting on my new zebra rug, and ill hate you for a second, then ill carry you into the bathroom, and youre so skinny & small, you fit in the sink like my aunts toy poodle. but youre less fancy than that poodle, and youre worth more. when you hold onto me to lean down towards the toilet, i feel you sqeeze my arm so hard that i feel my arteries going numb, but im glad you had your nails for breakfast or theyre might be a bloodflow, and we dont need vomit and blood all over the bathroom, it'll just be one more thing to be scared of, &we'd probally drown and when the cops break in, theyll think were just another pair of stupid teenagers trying to live like the rich&famous, when its really the rich&famous that wanna live&die like us. like this. this is how we imagined it, this was our dream, this was how we failed.
&with time, i became lonely. i became the one you decided to spend time with only when you had spent time with everything else. i became your left-over time. i pretended i didnt know, what was more dificult was pretending i didnt care. we could never agree or disagree. i'd sit in my living room, you sat in your living room, but we were not living.
When you said you would give up on me, i said i was happy. i lied. now that youve decided to leave, ive decided to give up on myself. when i go to a diner at 3am, i say table for two, by accident, and then i choke up and say, "no, its just me." and youre not here to say, "preferably, by the window." so i end up sitting in a corner.
there, i thought about evrything between me and you. and nothing came to mind, there was nothing between me and you, right now. only the tiny little atoms that make the space between us, we had nothing in common, we had nothing to say. and now i feel as if i am made up of those tiny little atoms, all falling apart, and rolling off the planet.