ocram!

you know i would have wanted you to come. we could have gone for a walk, i could have cooked you something, we could have a smoke & a coffee & a real conversation.
we could have talked about big large things, like life & love & your dick.
we could talk about traveling, because you know there is so much to see, so many places that want to see us. so many places we could go & spend time in, & it would be great.
we could stay in nice hotels, one room with one bed. we could order room service. theres something so fascinating about hotels. no matter how many times you wash the sheets, everyone's prints & pieces, memories & feelings, will still be there.
here, come & i'll show you. dig your face in, smell. you can feel it because you know its there.
i like talking to you, i like feeling you close & i like touching you while every one is watching.
i never told you this, but i knew you were what i could have wanted as soon as i met you.
because you wore the illest clothes & you wore a cross & the number 7 around your neck. both of these things could one day remind you of me.
you were with it, wised up & sharp. when we would talk on the phone, back when i was still a freshman i knew i could count on you & i knew you couldn't count on me, you knew it too. but you never stopped calling & this is why i am talking to you now. this is why you're the only boy i have ever sang to over the phone, when i was dumb little girl, bent down in my closet, hoping my best friend in bed wouldn't hear me.
its difficult to say i'm sorry, you know i wanted to be there for you. but maybe you are not the same boy, maybe you don't believe in me anymore. maybe now you are me & i am you & we'll never fall inlove & marry & have sex or babies.
its been years now, but when we talk, i know those times are still there. & i know i'll be seeing you soon.