sleepless

i leave my computer on all night so my room is warm the next morning.
i never let my feet stick out of the blanket because i'm afraid something is going to pull me.
i like to float underwater & swim all the way down & sit crisscross at the bottom of the pool.
i sometimes have unbearable urges to want to hug my mother.
i wish i could see the world, i wish it rained more often.
i don't know what any of this has to do with us.
i don't know why i think these things.
i don't know why they mean so much to me.


remember when we saw them? you said that would never be us.
theres places where we could sit & eat. theres people we could humilate & dismember.
people feel & do such weird things. i think its wonderful.
i wish i was that exciting,
but laughing is getting more difficult everyday.
i want to be there for you,
but waking up in the morning is getting more difficult everyday.


have you ever imagined this? do you ever wonder? i know you don't think about me when i think about you. most people don't know these things. they like to sit because thats all they can do. when i play this song, i want to wake up in the morning. it makes me want to see your face. but people walk away. i like to filll up my lungs with cancer. that makes people think i am stupid, maybe vulnerable. they think i have never seen anybody die of cancer. but i have. & it does not change how i might want to die.

lets take it back to 2005

*Keep Calm* And Have Faith in Me.


i want to know how this really happened, how i let you in & let you out, but things will never be like before, after today.
did you know that things change & form shapes? have you seen things like this happen? i have.
remember how it felt to be young & not worry & not ask? i remember how my first kiss felt. are these feelings bad? i don't miss him, i miss the way he made me feel, two years is a long time to remember but a difficult space to forget.
i will always care about you, but running back to you is taking steps backward. life is about moving forward.
There are some things we'll never forget, there are some things we wish we could forget. you fell , but i was there, i never gave up.
i am so happy that life let me make wrong decisions to bring me to you today. i am so happy remembering how stupid i was.
i'm remembering how i used to sneak out & see you almost every weekday, do you think i will forget all those nights you hid under my bed? do you know how many stories i have to tell because of you? they said we'd never make it & you proved them right.
-do you know how they say you'll be happy one day, you remember how they always use to tell us that? i'm so tired now. do you remember that story? of that girl who waited everyday? he said she grew old & stayed until the end? i wanted to be this girl, i wanted to be her, for you.

dreams.

i want to ride a fat elephant down a river through the indian jungles, wrestle a polar bear somewhere in Antarctica, Swim with penguins & manatees though water & sunlight, Eat pounds of rice in China, Then die in Russia, buried in the snow.