idiotic tiger.

i am not going to lie. i really did believe you were different &shit. i really did think you were "into me" like you said you were. i thought you were brave & beautiful. you were sweet, you were naive in a way that made me laugh, you fooled me into thinking you really were different. i told you i was for real, you said you were for real, and those two stupid weeks really did feel real. i would ask you what went wrong, but i don't want to know and now, i don't give a fuck. 

i would love to tell you how it could have been. i would have been there for you, i probably would have cried over you. i used to be so nervous before i would see you, today i walked right past you and felt nothing. i'm going to be honest and say i do miss you, i'll be more honest and say i don't miss you that much. i think what i will miss the most are those hugs. they were pretty amazing. hopefully i will feel that way again. all i know is that it won't be with you.

want to know how i feel? fuck it, I'm telling you anyway.

you know what would be beautiful & unforgettable? if me and you could talk without thinking about what were thinking. if our thoughts just automatically turned into sound. and if there was a song stuck in my head, i would open my mouth and serve as a radio. we could sit and lay down and talk about life. in a senselessly & stupidly insightful way. what if we didn't need a hit to get high? would if we just closed our eyes and imagined it? what would happen if we forced our brains to combine reality with imagination, and then all our dreams came true? what if everything we see, hear, touch, smell or feel is an illusion? Do you think we could have everything we ever wanted just by sitting here? What if thinking it is no different from having it? what if it felt just as good? who ever said imagination was not enough? who ever said reality was real? i'll tell you now, who ever said that did not believe. 

stop saying whatever i say matters, because i'm not saying shit and it doesn't matter.

when i think about us too much, i wish i could have died a long time ago. before cars existed so my first kiss could have been on the sidewalk, near the road, so a wagon could run me over before my lips ever said hello to yours.

we listen to the radio, rest on club couches and dance and smoke and eat until were waking up to the tiolets grimy mouth, that dark hole, that beautifully curved cave, it reminds me of late nights and first kisses.
oh, what am i talking about this time? i miss looking for you, hiding in the closet, under a pile of dirty clothes, you are so funny, you are all mine. i like to feel your hair kissing my hair, right in the wind, behind the trees, sitting on clouds, sitting on bridges made of dust, castles made of sand.

this is a long story, it bends and folds and recounts our love, all our lucky moments. we are still young, we are so old, we are old enough to take our clothes off infront of eachother and not laugh. old enough to kiss with our eyes half-open, old enough not to trust. we are too old.
the windows stay open, the curtains stay closed. it falls up and down like the rhythm of your breath in the fog, past all the songs, hitting the edge like a blade. this is my blade, down your cheeks, kissing your neck,. it loves you. but so do i, so i put it down and make you mine one more time.
its been a long time now, and shit has changed between us.

i'm convinced love comes in the morning,
i like it when you yell at me and pull my hair, and shove me around. this makes me love you, this makes me insane. insanely stupid, insanely yours. i am going to stop now & see how you like that.

R E S T L E S S - R E V O L U T I O N

I'm in new york city again, breathing in ice, coughing out snow. theres train station clouds out my window again. theres a vintage polaroid under the sheets, sleeping with me. theres no morning sex, it's just your bubblegum smile in ink.you look like a school girl, rushing past the crowd, rushing past the cigarette smoke. another subway daydream, you're sitting as if you were posing for a naked art museum. what were you thinking about? were you remembering paperbags & apple pies? boarding school was too strict for you. So you left stockholm behind and gathered enough hope to come here, and now you're laughing and spining in circles, with the snow in central park & my body beneath you. if you sit here, you can take a picture of the skyline, look how it shines & winks for you. i close my eyes, and let the chemicals fill my head, i am yours.
When i open them again, i am in rhode island, my feet against the shore, my toes crushing the sand. i'm swimming, in this restless revolution, i'm alone again. i can hear the whistle and the vow, and my heart feels soft. it feels lonely, and it wants to cry. it wants to, but it cant because it doesnt know how. i want to see you again, i want to throw shoes at your window and have you crawling down inside of me, do you remember how that used to feel? you're nowhere near me now.

"if i can't tell you the truth, then what can i tell you?"