days always even out.

today i went to school, & i dont know why. Everyone from building 4 got to hang out in the gym for four hours. last time this happened, i was sitting with him on the bleachers at the very top. and we listened to coldplay & fell asleep. that was our day, our first day, different, from what we always knew of eachother. there was more to him, and i was figuring it out. it was magical. i hadn't felt like that in a while. i was really happy that day, but now im not so sure. i can never distinguish anything i feel when it comes to boys. they can call everyday, but whether his sweet talk is honest or not, the second we hang up, i'll go to bed and think, this is not enough. I really don't know why this happens, but it must mean i'm not ready for a boyfriend. "I can't take care of you until i've figured out how to take care of myself."
Even though i spent those 4 hours in the gym today with some of the most important people in my life, i still missed him.
i know i'm not letting him in, and i know there is nothing else left to do.