sleepless

i leave my computer on all night so my room is warm the next morning.
i never let my feet stick out of the blanket because i'm afraid something is going to pull me.
i like to float underwater & swim all the way down & sit crisscross at the bottom of the pool.
i sometimes have unbearable urges to want to hug my mother.
i wish i could see the world, i wish it rained more often.
i don't know what any of this has to do with us.
i don't know why i think these things.
i don't know why they mean so much to me.


remember when we saw them? you said that would never be us.
theres places where we could sit & eat. theres people we could humilate & dismember.
people feel & do such weird things. i think its wonderful.
i wish i was that exciting,
but laughing is getting more difficult everyday.
i want to be there for you,
but waking up in the morning is getting more difficult everyday.


have you ever imagined this? do you ever wonder? i know you don't think about me when i think about you. most people don't know these things. they like to sit because thats all they can do. when i play this song, i want to wake up in the morning. it makes me want to see your face. but people walk away. i like to filll up my lungs with cancer. that makes people think i am stupid, maybe vulnerable. they think i have never seen anybody die of cancer. but i have. & it does not change how i might want to die.