What it was then, what it isn't now.

before you, there was sun, sky & rain.
before you and after you, there will be sun, sky & rain.

In junior high, i'd say, i hope you havent started to think differently about me. ive been really stupid lately. ive been crying a lot lately. ive been wasting my time lately, and worst of all, lately ive been letting go of you. the other day i crossed the street screaming because they're was a boy with a red jacket on, on the other side, it remindedme of you. im surprised i didnt die. flashing red wouldhave reminded me of you, and you would have been my last thought, instead of asking God to forgive me, and i would of ended up in hell. all because youhave screwed nails into my head, and youre all i see now. i would say youre all i know, but that would be a lie because im holding this pencil, and im staring at this paper, i know how to do that. or maybe the pencil knows how to hold me and the paper knows how to stare back? i dont know. all i know is that im freezing, and i wish you were here, you wouldnt have to kiss me, or hug me. we are too young to want that right now, we were too young to know exactly what we wanted.

then we morphed into teenagers, we'd joke around and imagine our lives when we'd grow into our hieght, when we'd be braver and less functional. we would lay down on your nieghbor's trampoline and say, all you need is a dozen notepads per year. we can live off of cheap wine and hotcakes. years from now, when you start lying down on that lazy boy couch, and you start seeing bright colours flashing down a spiral, you'll open your mouth, vommiting on my new zebra rug, and ill hate you for a second, then ill carry you into the bathroom, and youre so skinny & small, you fit in the sink like my aunts toy poodle. but youre less fancy than that poodle, and youre worth more. when you hold onto me to lean down towards the toilet, i feel you sqeeze my arm so hard that i feel my arteries going numb, but im glad you had your nails for breakfast or theyre might be a bloodflow, and we dont need vomit and blood all over the bathroom, it'll just be one more thing to be scared of, &we'd probally drown and when the cops break in, theyll think were just another pair of stupid teenagers trying to live like the rich&famous, when its really the rich&famous that wanna live&die like us. like this. this is how we imagined it, this was our dream, this was how we failed.
&with time, i became lonely. i became the one you decided to spend time with only when you had spent time with everything else. i became your left-over time. i pretended i didnt know, what was more dificult was pretending i didnt care. we could never agree or disagree. i'd sit in my living room, you sat in your living room, but we were not living.
When you said you would give up on me, i said i was happy. i lied. now that youve decided to leave, ive decided to give up on myself. when i go to a diner at 3am, i say table for two, by accident, and then i choke up and say, "no, its just me." and youre not here to say, "preferably, by the window." so i end up sitting in a corner.
there, i thought about evrything between me and you. and nothing came to mind, there was nothing between me and you, right now. only the tiny little atoms that make the space between us, we had nothing in common, we had nothing to say. and now i feel as if i am made up of those tiny little atoms, all falling apart, and rolling off the planet.